Remembering
by Zoja
Summary: On the third anniversary of the fateful trip to Asura, John remembers Atlantis' first leader.


**Title:** Remembering

 **Rating:** T, just to be safe.

 **Season:** Future

 **Spoilers:** Mentions of events throughout the series.

 **Pairing:** Shweir/Sparky

 **Disclaimer:** I don't own Stargate Atlantis or any of its characters. No profit was made from this work and none will be sought. This is for entertainment purposes only.

 **A/N:** I'd like to start with a warning that this one-shot wasn't checked by anyone. English is a second language for me and no matter how much I try, I am making mistakes. I decided, however, to publish it like this because I got tired of writing to people, asking if they would take a look at it and not even getting a simple "I'm sorry, but I can't do it" in response. Also, very soon, the university will start for me and I have absolutely no idea how much time I'm actually going to have, not to mention that my laptop starts showing symptoms, that it might need a trip to the service. I hope you'll be understanding and enjoy this story, anyway!

John waved his hand in front of the chime and almost immediately heard the familiar hiss that accompanied every door in the city, when they were opening. It seemed like a tiny and completely meaningless detail, but the truth was that he actually grew to like this sound. Whenever he was on Earth, there were always more than a few times that he would make a huge idiot of himself, earning many amused glances, when he would wave a hand in front of every door and start cursing, when they wouldn't open. In fact, he always missed everything about this place, even the smallest of things. It was his home, the first place, where he truly felt like he belonged to in his entire life and which he was ready to give his life for.

He sighed, stepping into the room and looking around. He was one of those, who knew the city best and visited pretty much every single corner, but it was the one place that he actually avoided, especially after it was turned into the Remembrance Hall. The idea to create one was present for quite some time now, but it was only several weeks ago that they finally found the right place and started to work on it. It was finished a couple of weeks ago; the whole personnel of Atlantis had gathered there for the official 'opening', a moment when they had the chance to pay their respects. It was the only time he visited this place; he simply couldn't force herself to come again, alone. Now, finally, he was ready and the truth was, his feet pretty much led him there on their own. The room was spacious and almost completely empty with the exception of the framed photographs hanging on the wall. His stomach twisted, when his eyes fell on the faces of everyone they lost since they had come to the city.

He was one of the decreasing amount of people, who could say that they knew every single one of them. Yes, of course, he didn't know them all very well - some obviously better than others - but he still did; he was the member of this expedition since the very beginning, worked with everyone, who had actually come to the city, and because of that, there was a familiar face on every single picture. Those were people, who directly or indirectly sacrificed their lives for this city, for the cause that had brought them to this galaxy in the first place, and there wasn't anyone, who would disagree that they deserved to be remembered, to be commemorated, even when there wouldn't be anybody in the city, who could say that they knew them personally anymore. No matter who they were or how big their input was, if it wasn't for those people, probably none of them would still be in Atlantis today.

There was a black ribbon placed across the corner of most of these pictures, marking the people that paid the ultimate price. He spotted Sumner, the very first of their people to become the victim of the Wraith. Yes, it was John, who had eventually ended his life, but it was actually an act of mercy, the end to the agony he received at the hands of the Queen and if it wasn't for the silent, desperate plea he had noticed in his eyes, Sheppard would have never taken the shot. There was also Peter Grodin, Kate Heightmeyer, and even Carson Beckett, even though technically, the latter was still in the city. It was actually him, who insisted that this picture should be placed there. He insisted that despite the fact that he looked the same, had most of the same memories and essentially was still Carson, they stopped being the same person the moment he was created and the original deserved the place here for his sacrifice, even if he now took his place and lived his life.

There were also a few pictures devoid of this mark; a handful of people, whose status was uncertain, but who weren't with them anymore. They were remembered, too, and they made sure that they would never be forgotten. There were people in the city, that still clinged to the hope that one day they would bring them back home, even if the probability of that happening, as well as this hope, was growing smaller with every passing day. There was no proof they were dead, though, and nobody would believe it until they found one. Even though they hadn't encountered Aiden Ford in a very long time, there was a chance that the young Lieutenant was still somewhere out there, and a lot of them never stopped believing that one day, they would find a way to bring Elizabeth home.

He felt a twinge in his heart at the thought of the expedition's first leader and one of the best friends he had ever had. If it hadn't been for her, he would have never come to Atlantis. It was her stubbornness that made her ask O'Neill to convince him to change his mind and accept a place on the expedition, it was her belief in people that made her overlook his record and give him a chance, despite everyone telling her that taking him to Pegasus was a bad idea. Yes, the fact that he had the strongest ATA gene out of everyone they had tested definitely helped, but it couldn't be everything; it could have made her want him to go with them, but it definitely wasn't enough to make her fight for him to keep his position as the Military Commander of the city, a position that he wasn't even originally meant to get. She had given him a chance, something nobody else was willing to do, an opportunity to prove himself and he would be eternally grateful to her for doing so and saving him in the process. He didn't know what turn would his life take if it wasn't for that, but what he was pretty certain about was that he would stay in Antarctica until he would have no other choice but to leave the Air Force, and he wasn't sure he wanted to think of what would happen afterwards.

He sighed, stepping a little closer to the wall and reaching his hand out towards the picture, allowing his fingertips to gently brush against her face. It was exactly three years ago that he had seen her the last time; the real Elizabeth, not a copy created by the replicators or a consciousness residing in the body of McKay's creation, claiming to be her but having absolutely no way to prove it. She was much paler than usually, she seemed thinner and fragile, the spark in her eyes was gone, but she was still the same woman that was looking at him from the picture. She was still the same determined person, who would always place everyone before herself and who would do anything, to keep the place and the people she loved safe. Her sacrifice, her decision to stay behind to make it possible for them to escape and get back to Atlantis only proved that.

John had no doubts that there was more to this choice than everyone thought, though. She was aware of her situation since the moment they told her that the only way they managed to save her was by reactivating the nanites in her body. If she returned with them, she would put everyone and everything she held dear in danger. Not that she would do it willingly, but as long as her nanites were active and capable of establishing a connection to the Asurans, she would always remain a threat. And she must have known that they would never even consider leaving her behind, not necessarily on Asura, but anywhere else in the galaxy, on some inhabited planet, where she would be completely harmless. She was one of them, and they would stand by her no matter what. He knew that she didn't leave the puddle jumper with the intent of getting captured by the Asurans and becoming their prisoner, but the moment she understood that it didn't look well for them, she saw an opportunity to turn her own bad situation into something good and useful, and with it all in mind, she didn't hesitate to sacrifice herself for his team, for all of her people, for Atlantis.

He couldn't say that he held her choice against her; he actually understood it. More than once, he was ready to do the very same thing for the very same reason, but it didn't mean that it made him feel any better. Turning around and walking away, leaving her surrounded by the replicators was one of the most difficult things he had ever done in his life, and probably also the most painful one. She told him to go, to leave without her and he listened to her. There wasn't a day, when he wouldn't wish that he hadn't, but he knew that he didn't have another choice. She counted on him and he couldn't let her down, not any more than he had already done. A part of him never returned from this mission; it stayed behind on Asura with her, with the most important person in his life, leaving a very big wound in his heart, one that might have gotten better over time, but which would probably never fully heal.

He wished that he had at least gotten a chance to say goodbye. To tell her how much he appreciated everything she had done for him, how important she was for him. The truth was, however, that he only fully understood how much he cared for her when she was gone. Oh, it wasn't like he was oblivious to his own feelings; he knew that she wasn't just a friend to him, that his feelings ran deeper and he wished she knew it, too. He liked to think that she did. They might have not have gotten their happy ending, or even a chance to truly explore what was between them, but he would always have the six weeks they had spent on Earth to hold onto. They were far from being perfect, when they were both struggling to find a way to fit into the life on their home planet again, but they had each other to lean onto and their relationship wasn't bound by any regulations that would stand in their way anymore. They could finally admit that there was more between them and decided to give it a go; they kept it away from their friends, nowhere near ready to announce it, so nobody would ever know. The truth was, though, that as much as he hated that he was forced to leave Atlantis, he was still very fond of those forty days in the Milky Way, because he had Elizabeth. He might have lost his home, but he would have eventually managed to find another place to call home back on Earth; finding another Elizabeth, however, wasn't an option.

He closed his eyes, allowing his arm to fall back at his side. If he had known how little time with her he had left, he would have never agreed to leave their relationship back on Earth, to push their feelings back into the box, where they kept hiding them before, and go back to being simply close friends again. He didn't want that in the first place, but he held too much respect for her to put up a fight. Elizabeth he had fallen in love with always played by the rules, or at least was trying to; rules they were all supposed to follow as well as ones that she created for herself, and a romantic relationship with her military commander wasn't an option. No matter how much he wished she hadn't finished it, he was aware that if she hadn't, she wouldn't be the woman he loved.

He opened his eyes and looked at her picture once again. What he wouldn't give to have a chance to see her one more time, to tell her how much he missed her. But perhaps it was better this way, instead of getting his hopes up only to go through the same pain of losing her all over again each time they encountered another copy.

"Why did he have to attack you..." he sighed, his mind going to the moment in the puddle jumper, when Niam had thrown himself at her and infected her with nanites.

He knew why, though. It was because of her humanity, something they held against them all because it was one thing that they had, that the Asurans didn't and couldn't get. And when it came to humanity, Elizabeth was obviously the biggest target out of them all. She wasn't the strongest person - at least not physically, because she wasn't by any means weak - so they couldn't see such a big threat in her. It was her empathy, her compassion, everything that made her such a wonderful human being that they targeted. But he was also aware that even if he had managed to prevent this attack, it wouldn't have changed anything. She would have still be gone, only there would be the black ribbon placed across the corner of her photograph, because the nanites would have never fixed the damage the satellite beam caused to her body. Would it have been better? Perhaps. At least she would have gotten some sort of a closure, and maybe he would have been able to move on, while now he kept holding onto the hope that she wasn't gone, that she was still somewhere out there and one day, he would find her and bring her home.

"I love you, Lizzy..." he whispered.

It wasn't often that he shortened her name; he didn't think he had ever done that during their time in Atlantis. For some reason, she had always been Elizabeth and he actually found it somewhat strange to think about her differently, but this time it seemed fitting. He had no idea what she would have thought about it. He called her Liz a few times back on Earth, something he knew most of her family referred to her as and she didn't seem to mind, but never Lizzy. It was possible she would have bitten his head off for that, but now, he was never going to know.

"I miss you" he added, placing a single red rose on the small shelf under her picture. It was put there to give people a chance to leave something for those they were close to, whatever it was that was symbolic in their culture or they simply felt like leaving. He knew that this flower was perfect for her the moment he laid his eyes upon the whole section with roses in all different colours, when he entered the small garden created by the botanists, and that was why he stole one on his way out.

He looked at the picture for a moment longer and eventually turned around, slowly walking out of the room, lost in his thoughts and completely oblivious to the figure standing in the corner, surrounded by the white light and watching his every step.

"I love you, too, John..." she spoke in a soft voice, even though she knew he wasn't going to hear, just like he wasn't able to see her.

She knew could allow him to do that, reveal her presence to him, but she didn't know if it was a good idea. Remaining hidden and listening to everything he sometimes decided to share with her wasn't truly fair to him, and she wanted to let him know that she was there, that she didn't blame him for anything and he shouldn't, either, but she wasn't sure if either of them was ready to have an actual conversation. One day, maybe, but not yet. She had no doubts that if she explained everything to him, he would try to convince her to come back and as much as a part of her wanted to, there was another part that wasn't sure if it was what she wanted. So for now, she would remain invisible and inaudible, watching over the city and its people, and hoping that when the time came, he would understand her choice.


End file.
